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| Above: Beto O'Rourke lites a cigar as he talks of the dire economic situation of his family. |
Beto Living in Utter Poverty Since Forbes Downgraded Father-in-Law
to Multimillionaire Status
O’Rourkes hit financial rock bottom
by Satira Sinvergüenza
Associated Mess
Associated Mess
Times have been hard in the Beto O'Rourke's household since a November 2018 announcement
by Forbes that his father-in-law Bill Sanders is not a billionaire.
Beto feels cheated. "I was made for this!" But he says the family has made some
cutbacks for husband not willing to work, and they should be able to survive out
the year.
“It’s been a terrible 4 months since that announcement,” says Beto, barefoot at home. “I'm entitled to so much more. I’m working hard playing on my guitars, trying to get the
band back together.”
In November 2018, Forbes reported “Based on a review of Sanders' biggest
deals, we're far from ready to put him on our list of The
World's Billionaires… Based on the
public information that Forbes has
reviewed, Beto O’Rourke’s “billionaire” father-in-law is more likely to have a
net worth in the neighborhood of $500 million.”
"This is terrible news," stated O'Rourke. From devaluing their El Paso mansion with the local tax
entity to making cuts in house staff, the O’Rourke’s have hit rock bottom.
“Instead of a butler,” said Beto as his valet used a clothes brush to brushed off
dust from the shoulders of same blue shirt he wore yesterday (and the day before), “we had
to settle for a footman."
Waving his arms fanatically, "Imagine if your family, your children have to be served dinner by a
person wearing white gloves. This is unacceptable!”
Even tough culinary decisions have had to be made in the O’Rourke
household. “The pancake batter we bought for Shrove Tuesday and for National
Pancake Day,” says Beto almost breaking into tears, “we’ve had to make that
last. We may be eating this same mix until after St. Patty's day!”
“Instead of the gold sprinkles we use to put on our
pancakes, we have limited ourselves to silver,” says Beto wiping a tear from
his eye. “I now know who my former constitutes in El Paso’s Segundo Barrio
live. I feel their pain.”
Nevertheless, the O'Rourke's have not stopped their community generosity. "I just sent four cases of caviar to the womens shelter this morning," says Beto. "And the kids and I are going to volunteer this afternoon at the community garden, at the country club."
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| Above: O'Rourke, in Iowa accesses the blues shirts he never takes off. |
The dire economic situation of the O’Rourke family has also affected the family’s fashion. Beto had
had to wear the same blue shirt every day. Exclaiming his frustration, Beto yells, “I can’t even afford to buy the
lower sleeves for my blue shirt."
In interviews, Amy Rourke has had to limit the times she
turns her head toward Beto in a loving gaze. “We have now limited it to 3 times
an interview,” says Beto. “Least we have to visit the chiropractor less than 4
times a week.”
“When I said my wife was taking care of the kids,” says
Beto, “ I meant that we had to fire one of our three nannies. Hell, I may have
to start mannying again, or being a real dad.”
At his computer, as Beto searches the web for government assistance, he is distraught.
"We are going to have to make other sacrifices," says the presidential candidate. “We were about to put
in 25-caret gold faucets in our bed room bathroom, but after a long conversation
with Amy, we had to set for 14 caret.”
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Above: O'Rourke sacrifices since hitting poverty include
buying 14-caret gold facets instead faucets of 24-carat gold.
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“Also, my skin is really suffering,” says the former congressman. “I
was used to cash baths and long soaks in $100 bills, but of late we’ve had to
settle for 1 dollar bills. I’ve broken out in rashes all over.”
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| Above: O'Rourke in cashbath: regarding cash baths, "...of late we’ve had to settle for 1 dollar bills." |
As he puts the strap of his guitar round his neck, Beto
assures that he will make it through
this tough time. "I think every poor family like ours has to make sacrifices once in a while. For example, yesterday at Guitar World, instead of buying the $20,000 Les Paul, I thought about my family, and settled for the $19,000 Squire Strat instead."
After tuning the guitar, he says “Have you
heard this CCR song?": “Some folks are born, made to wave the flag
Ooo, they're red, white and blue...”
Ooo, they're red, white and blue...”
